I was going to let the rain decide. I wasn’t brave enough to make the decision on my own. What was right was clouded over by fear. I was lost.
I chose two raindrops. The left one meant yes and the right one meant no. Whichever would reach the bottom of the window first, that would be my answer.
I sat on my knees and concentrated on the droplets. I followed them down. They didn’t fall straight, they swerved, they zigzagged sometimes they dropped fast. Yes was in the lead, then no then yes. I set my whole brain to concentrate on the drops. Every inch of me was following them. My eyes started to hurt I was straining them so hard.
And suddenly it all went wrong. I couldn’t see if yes was yes or if yes was just plain water. No had come to a stop in the middle of other drops. I couldn’t tell who he was. "Shit" I thought. There was my decision, somewhere amongst a myriad of tear-shaped water. That’s where the answer was. The answer was lost.
And I went outside to try and make sense of it all. The sense never came but the rain did stop. I no longer had any raindrops to chase, just my own indecision ran round in my head. Like a dog chasing his tail. Round and round and round and round. I wondered what would happen if I climbed up on this wall and jumped into the water. Not as an attempt to kill myself, just as an attempt to stop thinking, hurting, wondering, worrying. But if I did, that would just create a whole batch of other problems rather than bring a solution to the one I had now.
Although the feeling of cold, icy water slapping the life out of me felt welcoming. I walked on.
And I wasn’t sure if you deserved it. But I drove really far to find these. The flowers that you like, the red ones with the name I can never remember but when I see them I know that’s them. I placed them on the floor next to your bed whilst you were sleeping. And then I left. But I did have a look at your face. Your eyes were puffy, your skin was blotched with red stains, your hair was soaked. You looked terrible and I was thankful that you were finally able to get some sleep. I hoped rest would do you good. I hoped you had stopped crying. I hope to come back. I’ll stay longer next time. But for now enjoy the flowers. I hope you do.