Body

I look at you
I love every part of you
I touch your nose, your eyes, your elbows, your knees
I hold your hand in my hand and I stroke your fingers
I run my finger tips along your veins
And then I get really scared –
I see those veins, bright blue veins creeping along the surface
It terrifies me because they tell me we’re just human
You’re just a body
And a body is vulnerable as hell
Anything can happen to a body
It will break. It will stop existing
And I sink back into my pillow
You ask me if I’m okay
I lie and say yes
I wipe away a tear.

Story Board

I was going to let the rain decide. I wasn’t brave enough to make the decision on my own. What was right was clouded over by fear. I was lost.

I chose two raindrops. The left one meant yes and the right one meant no. Whichever would reach the bottom of the window first, that would be my answer.

I sat on my knees and concentrated on the droplets. I followed them down. They didn’t fall straight, they swerved, they zigzagged sometimes they dropped fast. Yes was in the lead, then no then yes. I set my whole brain to concentrate on the drops. Every inch of me was following them. My eyes started to hurt I was straining them so hard.

And suddenly it all went wrong. I couldn’t see if yes was yes or if yes was just plain water. No had come to a stop in the middle of other drops. I couldn’t tell who he was. "Shit" I thought. There was my decision, somewhere amongst a myriad of tear-shaped water. That’s where the answer was. The answer was lost.

And I went outside to try and make sense of it all. The sense never came but the rain did stop. I no longer had any raindrops to chase, just my own indecision ran round in my head. Like a dog chasing his tail. Round and round and round and round. I wondered what would happen if I climbed up on this wall and jumped into the water. Not as an attempt to kill myself, just as an attempt to stop thinking, hurting, wondering, worrying. But if I did, that would just create a whole batch of other problems rather than bring a solution to the one I had now.

Although the feeling of cold, icy water slapping the life out of me felt welcoming. I walked on.

And I wasn’t sure if you deserved it. But I drove really far to find these. The flowers that you like, the red ones with the name I can never remember but when I see them I know that’s them. I placed them on the floor next to your bed whilst you were sleeping. And then I left. But I did have a look at your face. Your eyes were puffy, your skin was blotched with red stains, your hair was soaked. You looked terrible and I was thankful that you were finally able to get some sleep. I hoped rest would do you good. I hoped you had stopped crying. I hope to come back. I’ll stay longer next time. But for now enjoy the flowers. I hope you do.

Winter Wonderland

New York

I thought I would post about my journey to NYC (if I ever get there)

Alex and I are planning to spend four months in New York for work experience during the summer. We  both fell in love with the place after several visits and its time we stopped dreaming.  At the moment I’ve got sheets of potential internships, I could probably fill the walls in my room with the amount of post-its I have. All fully scribbled with email addresses and names. Today I went through the family address book and I found three people who might be able to help me. I emailed all three and one replied immediately saying she would be “delighted to help”. So that’s that one in the bag! Of course at some point the contact hunting has to stop and I have to start making something out of the slender little CV I have.

The internships I’m hunting for are photography, journalism, fashion and publishing related. I thought I’d keep it broad and see what I can find. I realize its very competitive but my naive little eyes can’t stop scanning down my post-its and thinking: one of these people, one of these contacts has got to say yes!

Keep your fingers crossed for Alex and I. More updates will soon follow.

And of course Merry Christmas!

Strangers in London

A series of sneaky portraits.

Film Review – Los Abrazos Rotos

Yesterday, for a surprise birthday treat, Alex and I took my dad to see Los Abrazos Rotos by Pedro Almodóvar. Its cinematic beauty with bright images and surreal Lanzarote landscapes lingered in my mind long after I left the theatre. Almodóvar is arguably the most important Spanish director of his generation. He has created a long line of masterpieces such as Mujeres al borde de un ataque de nervios, Todo sobre mi madre, Hable con ella and of course Volver. It is hard to ignore the recurrent strong female characters with all their complexities and layers in his work. Mothers are depicted as powerful with a hidden vulnerability, making you wonder about Almodóvar’s own upbringing. In Los Abrazos Rotos we find Almodóvar’s muse, the captivating Penelope Cruz. She is so easy to watch, you find yourself melting into the screen. The more her make-up fades and the more her hair tangles the more beautiful she becomes, portraying raw female power, ambition and desire. 

The plot displays one of the worst fears for a director or any artist: becoming blind. The main character Mateo Blanco aka Harry Caine loses his sight after a tragic accident. He spends his time writing scenarios and sleeping with women who help him cross the road. The film is set in the 1990’s and present day and switches in between the two. The development of Cruz’s character: Magdalena occurs in the 90’s whereas present day shows Mateo’s world deprived of sight and deprived of Magdalena.

The love story between Mateo and Magadalena kicks off when Diego, recovers from a drug-induced coma. Diego is Judith’s son and Judith is Mateo’s personal assistant. When Diego wakes up Mateo offers to tell a story and Diego agrees to listen. In fact his character proves to be a great ear. As an actor Tamar Novas is very convincing, breathing life into his nerdy persona. I found myself wanting to learn more about him. He is a pull of gravity in the chaos that surrounds him, even though he doesn’t realize it himself. He has a laid back attitude even when he finds out who is biological father is.  

Diego is bed-ridden after his coma which means Mateo can tell him a story and take care of him without being interrupted. This theme of being impaired so that someone can look after you is part of a larger theme in the film. The satisfactory feeling characters get when the ones they love need them, the feeling of dependency pops up in several occasions. After the accident Judith has to help Mateo walk down the hospital stairs. He is blind and will need to depend on her. Judith who rarely smiles throughout the film seems the happiest at this point. With Mateo on her arm she feels needed, he has no choice but to accept her help. Another occasion is when Penelope threatens to leave Ernesto Matel’s house and he pushes her down the stairs. She becomes crippled and he feels unnervingly satisfied that she is immobile at his hands. 

Visually, Rodrigo Prieto did a fantastic job with the cinematography. The film is pure visual candy. Every scene is rich with colour. We are taken from the pop-art style set of the film Chicas Y Maletas to the surreal black sand landscapes of Lanzarote all in stark contrast to the bleak office setting we see Magdalena working in, in the beginning. It is pretty remarkable that such a melodramatic film can be drenched in bright colours and still remain tragic and dark. 

Pedro Almodóvar has been quoted in many interviews saying Los Abrazos Rotos is his tribute to the world of cinema. There are endless amounts of film references throughout. How can you ignore the various wigs Magdalena has to put on? Transforming her from one screen-goddess to another, from Hepburn to Monroe. The power of the camera is another important element in the film. No one can escape the gaze of the camera. Ruben Ochandiano plays Ray X the annoying son of Ernesto Matel who is obsessed with Mateo. His father asks him to document the movie set of Mateo’s film but Ray X takes it further. He is present in almost every scene and when he isn’t the characters fear him. They can feel his presence. Although this highlights an intrusive aspect of filming, one of the most beautiful scenes is when Mateo strokes the blown up, pixilated footage of the last kiss between himself and Lena. Footage from Ray X’s camera. 

The film is truly unforgettable regardless of what the critics might say. At the end we are left with Mateo’s final words which perhaps sum up  Almodóvar’s love of film: “one must finish the film, even if he has to do it blindly”. This last line  also suggests that no matter how painful we need to pick-up what has been left behind.

Shots from the Beach

A few weeks ago Aydine and I set out to the beach of Scheveningen. We took a ton of photos. Here are some photos Aydine took of me wearing her clothes. Aydine is a pretty awesome designer and fashion-nut. Her style combines classic trends with modern touches and she always manages to stay original. She is one to watch!

If you would like to know more about Aydine and her designs email me: de2zussen@hotmail.com – and I’ll pass it on!

Lily Greenwood – Manchester

Yesterday on our travels through Manchester and into Manchester Craft and Design Centre we came across the fairytale studio of Lily Greenwood. Her work takes you to a pastel coloured dreamworld of butterflies, birds and flowers mixed with Japanese kimono patterns. Her studio, website and blog are definitely worth a look. Don’t forget to buy a few of her greeting cards on your way out!

Examples of her work:

Check out:

http://www.lilygreenwood.com

http://lilygreenwood.blogspot.com/

Small excerpt from “The Pond”

It was 21.03. As expected he had arrived first. He walked right up to the pond. He looked up. The moon was bright and full. He didn’t like the idea of an arrogant moon, sitting there, lighting up the icy water. A luminous spectator of tonight’s meeting. He wished he could shoo it away.

I hope to have this story completed by the end of the week.

This will make you want to dye your hair black